The Shattered Arc

The last month has been a mess. For a few weeks I wasn’t sleeping or eating, and I lost enough weight that my engineering ring has begun to slip off, which has never happened before—though this may also be due to my almost complete lack of exercise. At my lowest point, when both work and personal life were a mess and I wasn't sure if I'd have a place to live in three weeks' time, I actually called my parents for the third time in fifteen years... and they hung up on me twice thinking I was a telephone solicitor. I had to buy a phone card and try a third time just to make sure there was nothing wrong with my phone.

Below is a reproduction of (most of) the poetry I wrote over the period—20 pieces in a month, which is rather a lot for me. Many of these are reflections, as well as those epiphanies that demand a certain amount of agony to be achieved.

Me First

There is
No such thing
As evil.

There are only
Selfishness
Obsession
And cruelty
And the desire
To meet one's own needs
At the expense
Of all
Others.

Never Doubt Yourself

I
AM
a
moral
compass.

Follow
where
I
point.

just give me a reason

How many times
Can your heart
Break
Before
You start
To lose
The p i  e  c e  s?

See You Tomorrow

Where is the past?
Can you hold it in your hand?
Can you spread it before you
And breathe it into life?

What is past is good,
  And it is done.

There is certitude only in now,
And aspiration only in tomorrow.

See you then.

Goodbye

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Whether we leave this world

Or only this place

—Or even just this way of living—

The word
    Is the same.

The Stone Must be Shattered

Mine
Is not
A place
That is given

But one
That is carved
Through blood
And violence.

I have denied this for far too long.

Beyond the borders
Of Gondor
And Narnia
There is no throne
That sits empty
Waiting
To be filled.

A new one must be carved.

Trade-off

Once
You start
To live
You have
Every
Chance
Of dying.

The Golden Bar

How
Can you have
  Faith
In yourself
When you have
An everlasting
  Window
Into your
Every
  Failure?

Why
Do I feel
Like I am
Constantly
  Failing?

It is because
I am
Constantly
  Aspiring.

Constant
Aspiration
Leads
To
Constant
  Failure.

But if
I can see
Aspiration
Itself
As
Success...

A Stance of Stolid Silence

“What's wrong?”
They would ask me
But how can you tell
The ones who gave it to you
That life
Is wrong
   That to be given
   Such a glorious thing
   Only to have it taken away again
And even
To live it
Incompletely
To that day
Is the wrongest
Thing
 There could ever be?

Midnight

Life
Is a waste
Of life.

November 4, 2012, 6:09 a.m.

Good morning.

I am cold,
And I am alone.

Answer

I have tried
Looking
And
Calling
And

Crying

And

Gleaming

And

Screaming

And
Waiting
But I just
Don't
Think
She
Exists.

Now I Understand Why You Never Came

I've been waiting
For me.

And when
I didn't come
I thought
It was
Because
I wasn't
Good
Enough.

But when
   Have I ever
Withheld
Myself
From anyone
Based
On their
   Desert?

   I couldn't find me
Because
The only place
I didn't look
       Was inside.

Had I been
Anywhere
Around
I would
Have come
     Running.

But I
Was trapped
By the only one
With the power
To contain me,

Trembling
Inside
My own
Heart,

Waiting
To see
Myself
In someone’s eyes,

To know
It was safe
To come out.

   I have
The ability
To understand
     And give
   What is needed.

I thought
Everyone
   Had this

And just
   Withheld it
       From me.

But I know me.

Had there been
Anyone else
   Giving
     Like me,

I would have lacked
For nothing.

   No-one
   Has come
Because
No-one
I know
Can do
What I do
   So effortlessly
   And naturally
     That I had thought
         It was innate
               To all
                 Mankind.

   I have been waiting
     For me
   To save me.

And if I have had
This power
All along

   —This power
     I have begged
       So desperately
     To find—

What,
  Then,

Have I
   Not
   Done
     For others?

It is no wonder
     People
   Cling
To me
Like a talisman.

   It's all I would want to do.

   It's all I have wanted to do.

I discounted my heart
As a place to look
   Because
I could 't see
     That all the people
   I was looking to
   For answers
Were finding theirs
Inside if me.

   You can never look into your own eyes
   When you heal another's heart.

     But perhaps

     It's time

     To buy

     A mirror.

Though We All Feel Differently At the Time

Being
In pain
Does not give you
Any rights
Over your fellow man
That you did not
Otherwise
Have.

Epitaph

He was someone
Who had lost
Everything
So many times
That his story
Was scribbled
Across
His heart.

It's Only When You Get What You Want That You Realize That It's Not What You Want

The world
Was always
Over

It was over
From
The
Beginning

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